Let’s start part II from my last entry.
AT THE WAITING ROOM with "THE OTHERS"
The waiting room was pretty occupied. It looked like I was about the last one that gathered before the competition began. And it was only 8.00pm. We were supposed to get in at 8.15pm.
MS I-WANNA-B-WHITNEY
But not surprisingly the Pakar “superstar” was as usual later than late, some diva she thought herself to be, I suppose.
THE CARROTS
The big group of 15 or 16, or whatever the number, The Carrots, were there in their casuals. I believe they lost out in bagging the 1st prize because the costumes were just pretty boring and too ordinary, not to mention, due to their big blabbermouth leader. Really corkiness doesn’t get no one anywhere and he has yet to learn that bit in life.
MS AIRPORT BELLY
Ms Airport was there wiggling her flat belly practising.
MELAYU MARMALADES
The Melayu Marmalades were getting dressed. I did wonder how the one with the “tudung” would look like without the “tudung” dancing and singing to Lady Marmalade! Sorry not a chance, when she told me that she wasn’t going on with the "tudung", I didn’t realize then, that she would replace it with a hay looking wig. Hey, why did I think that I would be the only one using a wig anyway?
FLOOR ROLLING COUPLE
Said a quick, real quick “Hi” to the couple dancers from a competitor company. It was so quick I absolutely cannot remember too-hoots what we talked about and if you could even consider it a “talk” I was just being polite.
MS IWB-WHITNEY'S SHEETS
Then strolled in Ms Whitney-Wanna-Be in the most unlikely “what she thought would constitute a Whitney dress. Well, she didn’t even have a close-to-Whitney voice to begin with. Nasty goes on ….
I asked about her dress and she proudly mentioned that she had wanted to rent the dress from some local designer for $600+ which I wouldn’t even have wanted it for free, I am sorry. No big deal whatsoever.
It did not need designing skills at all, it was just a few pink sheets sewn together. Then she told me she decided against returning the dress after paying $600+ and instead bought it for $1,500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely typical amazing Melayu for you!
Well, well, how could she afford it? She said she charged it to her credit card but did not confirm if she was paying for it at the end of the day!
Everyone in the office blasted out laughing at the old small pint size yo-yo who will have to foot the bill for having an affair with her Whitneyness! Kakakakakakaka Mean Mean Simone Cruelle.
THE SENSATIONAL SIMONE & THE NINGKAMPOOP
Back to me! I was nervous, I was worried I would forget my lyrics and everyone was just doing their bit in practicing and what a racket it was. People dancing, singing, doing their hair, notebooks placed at dangerous angles due to lack of space, people yacking, visitors coming in to wish everyone their best and so on and so on.
Not to forget, the Not-That-Funny-At-All Mr Blabbermouth who was trying his utmost to mess up my song by singing out loud the original version of my song to confuse me. What a NINGKAMPOOP he is! Honestly, I personally think he is the worst than all the NINGKAMPOOPS in the world and more!
PRACTICE, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
Then I found the best of the best place that had the best acoustics available in that room…….the attached toilet with the very broken handle, yes this is the Shangri-la, what refurbishment did they do? I guess they forgot that particular door.
So I went in and belted my lungs out until I was discovered and the minute I exited, one group after the other took over. PC of the Carrots, was such a little darling, he went around wishing everyone well and being the Christian that he is, he came to me and said a prayer for me to remember my lyrics. Yes, it will be all up to the Big Man up everywhere!
SIMONE, YOU'RE NEXT UP!
Then the call came, the competition was beginning. I was No. 5 and one by one they went for the call and my heart pumped harder and harder. I downed a beer and pee’d maybe 4-5 times before I was called.
As I stood at the entrance, I heard Whitneyness mess up her song, so “pro” it seems and sorry to say this, but I felt better. PC came by with someone (was so nervous I can’t remember who on earth it was) and they both cheered me on. Yes, there are nice people in this world really.
Then I heard, “Introducing Simone!” Out came my handphone to play out the key so I could get the right pitch! Put the fellow back in, zipped up and cleared my throat all in seconds and ……
Day O, He say Day O It sounded good, but my heart was pumping so loud I couldn’t hear a thing. The doors were opened and Queen Diva stepped into the ballroom to a good cheer. The nervousness actually provided me the vibration to my tune and at one part a little too much plus it also caused me to go out of breath.
TRUE CONFESSIONS OF AN HONEST DIVA
Oh yes, confession time, not only did I downed the beer, I smoked cigarettes (don’t ask how many, I didn’t keep count!) I actually poached one from a stranger before the door opened for my turn to sing!
I really believe the costume did it because after watching the video, the song wasn’t great and neither was the voice. I sounded like I was singing behind a muzzle contraption, something like the face mask Hannibal was wearing whilst in custody!
Great thing that I didn’t fall over when I tripped over the darn ribbons of my Cinderella shoes! The thought of falling on my face would definitely top the fall by Miss America and made local headlines and referenced it as a much better flop over than what Miss America did!
180 ABOUT TURN
After my song, I started to walk out of the room and then remembered that I had to be interviewed and made a 180 degree turn just like they do in the army and walked back up the stage just say the worst thing, “I like bald men!” I thought to myself, “Now, how the blazes did that come out?”
OH NO! BALD EX BOSS WAS JUDGE
Later I found out my ex boss (not the one who is in Happy Hospital) who was “shy” about his bald problem was in attendance! Thank goodness, I was in disguise up to my name! In all that feather, I pray he didn’t recognize me! Shucks! Just like me to blurt out whatever was in my mind at the spur of the moment! Well, just as well he was an ex boss.
SIDE TRACK TO EX BOSSES
Talking about ex bosses, seems like this is the year of ex bosses! One going to Happy Hospital in May and now in June, Ms DeFacto is threatening to throw in the towel too! This in the next excerpt…..Introducing 2007 Ms She-Devil in Disguise. This one is a true one of a kind! Believe you me!
I WON'T GO CHANGE, I MIGHT JUST WIN SOMETHING EH?
Back to Simone Showgirl. Clever girl decided not to change costume and wait till the results were announced. Got my soon-to-be new boss (yes, you are getting confused with the ex and new Boss Saga) to buy me a beer and I sat down with our “little company with a big name” table.
Got some of my feathers into some of the dishes and added some flavour to the feathers. Sat through a load of awards going mostly to only one competitor company.
ANOTHER SIDE TRACK - ENGLISH LESSON
It got boring until suddenly they were ready to announce the winners of the competition. 1st runner up (contrary to how we always mess up with 2nd runner up being 3rd, 1st Runner up being the 2nd and Winner being Champion. Sometimes, I keep wondering what happened to Runner-Up to the Champ?)
WHO TAKES THE $5000, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO!
So in the correct grammar and positioning, 1st runner-up (3rd) was surprisingly given to the 16-17 The Carrots (just keep losing track on their numbers of people) They took the $1000.
Runner-up winning $2000 went to Ms Airport (someone must have seen at least a tiny bit of belly move)
I thought then that it was all over but then people started to cheer and shout out my names.
Yes, that’s right, no grammatical error here, they called out for Simone and my other known name.
Then the MC announced and the champion is …….. Who could forget her white bulu (aka feathers said in our local language) And I got all nervous again but in a much nicer way this time and said a very quick “Thank you God, Thank you Jesus” and then “Oh My God, I won!!”
I walked over to my Honeybunny and gave her a big hug and fake kiss (didn’t want to splatter her silk smooth face with my red blood lipstick. I vaguely remember hugging Bigbro and Babybro (colleagus from another subsidiary compnay) too.
I could be wrong, my brain fails me quite often these days. But I didn’t forget tripping over those darn darn shoe ribbons whilst going up to grab my dough! I was smiling from ear to ear, front side to side and back too!
My CEO handed me the mock cheque and whispered her gentle, “You really deserve it” And I knew exactly what she meant because she is like a mother to me and she knew I desperately needed the $$.
DANG! NO ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Then the MD of our sister company handed me a rather large envelope and whispered to me, “Its cash!” No acceptance speech though, although I would have loved to have done an Oscar recipient speech, thanking everyone and anyone for the win.
But I can do it here, I want to thank firstly my dearest ever Father, God and his wonderful son Jesus, then my “at-times-like-this” wonderful husband who put up with my nagging and reprimanding to getting the feathers done up MY way, and very importantly to my bestest of best Honeybunny, princess of my heart!
After stashing the dough in my purse, I blew some fake kisses here and there. The rest of the night was spent with Honeybunny, my new found Babybro and then with BigBro.
THE BIRTH OF FUNTASTIC FOUR - THE BROSISHOOD
That night the Funtastic Four was founded. I was pretty pressured by some nasties (actually only one big nasty) to spend up the winnings buying drinks for the whole gang of 15-17 people who won 3rd. But of course, suggested by Blabbermouth of the team.
Maybe just one day, I would just blabber mouth out about his dad to shut him up permanently. I wonder if he would think it was funny if he heard of it. I thought his dad was funny and silly anyway.
BLABBERMOUTH ALMOST GOT HIS PRIZE!
Blabbermouth suffers from the syndrome whereby he thinks he is funny. I love to be drowned in joy of exposing him as an absolutely irritating son of a unfaithful father but and that I am certainly NOT the only one who thinks so. Surprise, surprise!
Honeybunny saved me from that, because she yanked me off with Babybro and we sneaked out of the place and went up to the pub of the hotel. I suggested to get a bottle of wine to which I left Babybro to order. After that I regretted doing that because I had forgotten how much an average bottle of wine would cost in a 5-star hotel and when he ordered Chardonnay, my heart sanked worst than the Titanic!
CHARDONNAY & BIG CROWD - SIMONE IN PANIC STATE
I certainly remember the name and that was a good wine, must cost at least 30% more than normal, if my guess was right. Then Honeybunny started with her phone answering, and one after another, wanted to come over and join us.
My head was crying out, “Oh my there goes the dough” And it cried out more when the management group turned up, my soon-to-be new boss turned up, the guy who helped me put on my feathers turned up, Blabbermouth turned up, Kokokei turned up, Miss HiMighty turned up and more and more chairs were added and that was when my brain was working out my grey matter at light speed on how to get out of this bill!
SAVED BY ECSTASY!
Honeybunny, Babybro and Simone were lost for words by then and we just felt extremely out of place with the added on list seated around us.
My supplier, Mr Ecstacy saved the early morning, yes, it was about 12am. He and his group invited us to Poppies. After quite a bit of procrastination about walking or driving because Honeybunny and I were not up for walking in our heels more than 3 feet from where we were, they decided to drive us there.
So we quickly excused ourselves, said our goodnights and goodbyes and left the bill to Mr MD. Saved by Ecstasy! Ha, why Ecstasy?? Coming up next. After traveling for about 4 km to get to Poppies which by walking distance was less than 1km away, we finally got there.
At the same time Bigbro came all the way back after sending some people he promised to return home safely under his care. What a darling! There truly are nice people around, you just need to open your eyes and ears to notice them and cherish them.
ECSTASY MA'AM?
As we all entered Poppies, I felt Honeybunny getting all tied up! Mr Ecstasy had offered her an ecstasy pill and that of course, freaked my princess out. “Simone! I am not going back with them, Bigbro will take us back to the hotel.” she whispered desperately. Hey, no worries, we could run back to the hotel without our shoes on for all I care. But yes, Bigbro saved the day and not forgetting Babybro was there too and I reassured her of her safety.
BIG MAMA PROCTECTOR OF ALL WOMEN!
With Bigbro or Babybro failing to fight off any toughy, Simone could do just the same with her Thunderthighs that can come in very handy in strangling down necks! Hey Simone, is aka BigMama the Protector!
DANCING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER OSO CAN
Boy, this Poppies WAS a good example for what it meant to be in a crowded to death! You could die there and nobody would know and on top of that, be trampled to bits, no need for cremation, just mash you all up! I was literally breathing in carbon dioxide! I mean, the smells of the sweaty bodies was fuming the whole club! Maybe the smell would kick start a nympho into action but I tell you, by normal standards, it was atrociously intoxicating (in a bad way mind you). The open air area didn’t feel like it was open air!
It was stuffy and everyone was just wiggling their dance movements or giving the guys a darn good excuse for dancing close and feeling heavenly sweaty bodies. For me this means, super duper yuck!
DANCING DIVA
So Simone ended up partying without her shoes and atop of the cushion chairs to the cheers of the younger generation. Music is like my heroine. I get high on it and get lost in it too. I forget what this big body would look like dancing the way I used to when I was 125lbs.
Problem was there were no mirrors around, that would have stopped me from dancing faster than any lightning bolt! It must have been quite a sight and very memorable for those teeny boppers there that night. I just love making a scene and I love the attention. Yeah, showgirl diehard!
MY POOR DIOR!
To the embarrassment to my fantastic friends, I am sure. Sincere sorries from Simone! After spilling a glass of water onto Honeybunny’s dress and changing the shape of my beautiful $6000 Dior evening bag because I stepped on it (stepped is a mild word, imagine an elephant stomping, that’s more like it!), it was time to go back and drink up the Moet & Chandon.
BACK AT THE SHANGRI-LA
This turned out to be a disaster as it popped up a little to loud, the colour was a little like the hair of Bigbro & Babybro’s colleague Aggie the Goldiwitch (Goldilocks was too nice a description) and the taste would be totally absolutely undrinkable! It was easily 4 years old! Thank goodness we didn’t throw up the $200 room service supper we had!
This was my fault, I didn’t wait for my Spaniard to finish his sentence and had forgotten to take heed of his sarcastic manner of speaking. I asked him if the champagne would be good the older it got and he replied, “Yes, its good…….”
GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BIN
And I left with the bottle in hand, nope, I falsify this reality. I actually left it home whilst rushing off to work and then went 40km back home to pick it up!! I came home the following day and insisted for an explanation and he coyly said with a huge smirk on his face, “You didn’t wait for me to finish my sentence, I was saying, yes, it was good enough to throw away!” That’ll teach me to not let him finish his sentences.
SPANISH LANGUAGE REVELATION
This is because it just takes to long to wait for him to finish any sentence for that matter. He is such a slow cow (YES, iI REPEAT, COW) at times! Do you know that the Spanish takes at least 4 times longer to say anything that is in English? Compared to Mandarin probably 8 times longer.
For every English word spoken, the same word would take 4-6 more syllabus to complete. They must pay very high phone bills over there, nyak nyak, nyak!
BEDTIME
So by the time, Honeybunny changed, packed a little bit and snoozed off at 4.30am, I started to pack up all the mess, showered and took my time with a couple of smokes. I am paranoid when it comes to sleeping with anyone, because, if I ever took part in a competition for snoring, I wouldn’t need a costume to win hands down.
In fact, when I first told my Spaniard I was to share a room, he politely asked if they knew about “my” problem and if they would really risk losing the night’s sleep and a best friend! Did you know that he posed my snoring being a huge problem just before we discussed getting married! He really made it sound detrimental to confirming our nuptials! Now you understand my paranoia??
PARANOID ABOUT MY SLEEPING DISORDER
Remembering that, I stayed up until Honeybunny was fast tucked in and sleeping, before I proceeded to my symphony of grunts and growls. All in all 3 hours' sleep was all I had and I was up before my princess work up! And lo and behold, she didn’t hear a thing.
Thank you God for letting me keep this great friend. I also thank you God for deafening my Spaniard to my sleeping disorder. Sleeping disorder sounds more ladylike than snoring problem, eh?
And that was Part II……Now….smoke break. Should turn it the other way around, break the smoke! At least I am starting with an intention, and such intentions are good. How the 5000 went out of the pocket & the Love Saga of the She-Devil Extraordinaire coming up next.
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